my daughter is 13 and we are experiencing some anger/ frustration problems.
she can’t express her feelings and says "i don’t know" whenever i ask her what’s wrong.
i am the opposite and keep talking trying to work things out but i end up over doing it & making things worse. when she acted rudely in front of her friend i made her apologize and she started crying so i took her aside and tried to talk about it. i ended up getting frustrated with her for not understanding why i was upset with her and she started this raging scream. i felt horrible afterwards because i knew i pushed her that far and it wasn’t necessary to keep going on and on about it.
this is the way my father was with me and i have had the same issues with my relationships, feeling like she does.
how can i remember to calm down and get her to open up and feel her feelings instead of repressing them and exploding later?
Kids and especially teens seem to "push" our buttons making us feel like bad parents. It’s that bad parent feeling that always made me go down the path of judgmentand frustration. I wanted to be seen as a good mom and was mad at my daughter when she prevented me from doing that. The first thing I had to do was get over myself. This was clearly about me not my child.
My 3 girls are now in their 20’s and I have one son who is 16. I had the most trouble with my youngest daughter who was sneaky and hid things from me on a regular basis. I was always like "how could you do this to me?" rather than trying to understand what she was dealing with. We tend to relate their experiences to our childhood experiences but the problem is that times have changed and circumstances are different. So to say, "I wasn’t even thinking of boys at your age" is an inappropriate thing to say and will only show your child that you have no clue about life today. What isn’t different is the feelings of trying to fit in, be cool, know who you are, have fun, feel special etc. Try to remember how you felt at her age. Be honest with her about your feelings of trying to be a good parent and admit that you may not always set the best example but you are the one who is always responsible.
Assure her that you know some (not all) of the feelings she is struggling with and that you would like her know she can come to you if she needs someone to talk to. Tell her as parents we willingly take this responsibility because we love our kids and tell yourself that as adults we must be the mature one in every confrontation.
Give your daughter an example of something that could go wrong in her life that you would step forward and take responsibility for and would help her get through it no matter what. She may share some examples of situations other kids her age have been in. Don’t pry. Tell her from now on you will be respectful of her feelings and her privacy and that you hope that she will show you the same courtesy because it is the right thing to do. Tell her you love her unconditionally and you hope she feels the same about you. Don’t make her prove this to you or ever throw your respectful behavior in her disrespectful face hoping to manipulate her into respecting you. Be patient. Give her some time to learn from your (new) lead.
Take a few minutes to try to change your perspective of the situation when you are in it. Remind yourself to disapprove of the behavior not of your child. Make it clear that smarting off or being rude is not a deal breaker and you will not call her out on it in front of her friends again but more serious things like lying and other behaviors will have to have consequences because you love her not because you are mad or dissappointed in her. No more yelling allowed on your end. You have to regain her trust. Deal with her as calmly as possible.
Sometimes counseling helps, even one or two sessions just to get things back in perspective. If all else fails, try to keep the damage to a minimum and know that this too shall pass. My kids seemed to start coming out of the adolescense cloud at around 16-17. We have good relationships now. Hope that helps.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:27 am
then maybe you should just leave he alone she growing up let her come to you if she has a problem don’t go to her
References :
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
She is entering the enraged, hormone filled years of any teenager. And since you and she never have talked about how to discuss your feelings, she has no background or language to talk with you. In addition, her emerging adulthood is confusing to her, and obviously to you as well… The two of you are rather the blind leading the blind, so to speak.
In your place I’d suggest a session of two of counseling, not as a head job, but as a way for each of you to have your counselor discuss language. She indeed has no idea what is wrong!!!!! Hormones have never happened to her before.
When you make your appointment, (and I’d suggest getting a female) tell her why you two are coming in…. you wish to be a better, and understanding mom, and you and she wish to be able to resolve issues without rage and resentment.
References :
teacher/counselor
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Are you my mom??? lol j/k. Just do something together bonding-wise, like go get your nails done or go shopping and gently bring up the subject.. Just say, I don’t know whats going on, but I want to work through it. Is there anything that you want to talk about? I am here for you and I want you to know that i’d NEVER judge you. I want to help. Anything along those lines…
References :
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
You are aware you can do better,that’s half your battle won.
By asking ‘what’s wrong’ is not enabling her to open up and volunteer much else(my son was same)Extend your question,make it open ended;
use of body language is most important(how you stand,look at her,smile,having kindness in your eyes)Remember that your concern for her is coming from a place of love,ensure she understands this and that it wasn’t too long ago you were going thru similar stuff.Consistently maintain an interest in her life,her friends ,what she likes to do,who at school is annoying her/making her happy.You must learn to be unshockable,teens try and push you till your hair goes green.Most importantly,tell her you love her and that there is nothing she cannot come to you about.Maintain an open door policy.
References :
Mum.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Kids and especially teens seem to "push" our buttons making us feel like bad parents. It’s that bad parent feeling that always made me go down the path of judgmentand frustration. I wanted to be seen as a good mom and was mad at my daughter when she prevented me from doing that. The first thing I had to do was get over myself. This was clearly about me not my child.
My 3 girls are now in their 20’s and I have one son who is 16. I had the most trouble with my youngest daughter who was sneaky and hid things from me on a regular basis. I was always like "how could you do this to me?" rather than trying to understand what she was dealing with. We tend to relate their experiences to our childhood experiences but the problem is that times have changed and circumstances are different. So to say, "I wasn’t even thinking of boys at your age" is an inappropriate thing to say and will only show your child that you have no clue about life today. What isn’t different is the feelings of trying to fit in, be cool, know who you are, have fun, feel special etc. Try to remember how you felt at her age. Be honest with her about your feelings of trying to be a good parent and admit that you may not always set the best example but you are the one who is always responsible.
Assure her that you know some (not all) of the feelings she is struggling with and that you would like her know she can come to you if she needs someone to talk to. Tell her as parents we willingly take this responsibility because we love our kids and tell yourself that as adults we must be the mature one in every confrontation.
Give your daughter an example of something that could go wrong in her life that you would step forward and take responsibility for and would help her get through it no matter what. She may share some examples of situations other kids her age have been in. Don’t pry. Tell her from now on you will be respectful of her feelings and her privacy and that you hope that she will show you the same courtesy because it is the right thing to do. Tell her you love her unconditionally and you hope she feels the same about you. Don’t make her prove this to you or ever throw your respectful behavior in her disrespectful face hoping to manipulate her into respecting you. Be patient. Give her some time to learn from your (new) lead.
Take a few minutes to try to change your perspective of the situation when you are in it. Remind yourself to disapprove of the behavior not of your child. Make it clear that smarting off or being rude is not a deal breaker and you will not call her out on it in front of her friends again but more serious things like lying and other behaviors will have to have consequences because you love her not because you are mad or dissappointed in her. No more yelling allowed on your end. You have to regain her trust. Deal with her as calmly as possible.
Sometimes counseling helps, even one or two sessions just to get things back in perspective. If all else fails, try to keep the damage to a minimum and know that this too shall pass. My kids seemed to start coming out of the adolescense cloud at around 16-17. We have good relationships now. Hope that helps.
References :