you growing up, that impose their views upon you?
im 30 years old with bord pers disorder. i was bullied and abused severly growing up, and throughout high school, my self confidence was taken……because of that i had unresolved anger issues, repressed anger and i developed a rage/ anger problems….
years ago i used to suffer with rage outbursts,where i would get into fights…im deeply ashamed of that…& now years later im working to right the wrongs & rebuild my life..
but my family always blame me for my past & my unhappiness, say its my fault..nobody elses..& ive harbored guilt and beat myself up for years mentally for my past..
i feel as though theyve made me apologetic, guilty, subserviant and passive towards them.
ive recently cut contact with them, and like the lone wolf, i want to go it alone now..
which makes it a very lonely world because ive never made any friends in life…i live alone on welfare & only have a few internet friends. i aim to emigrate from the uk
I have BPD, too. I was also abused. I’ve let loose screaming at loved ones and being utterly incomprehensible. But that isn’t me anymore. I got help when I thought about suicide. My life was so Hellish that I’d wish for a semi to hit me head on on the way to work..or vice versa. I finally got put on disability about 18 months after I got out of the hospital, where I was an inpatient for about 2 weeks and outpatient for about 8 days. I joined a class of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and am on medications. The DBT classes are over and I’m still on medications. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Clinical Depression, Anxiety… it’s a long list of labels that basically makes it hard for me to behave "normally". Thankfully I never lost it around my family (except once, when visiting my grandmother in the hospital). So, it hasn’t affected my family too much. Besides the fact that we all are tainted by the abuse my dad dished out. He was ill, also, but never got treatment (well, he says he got treatment, but I don’t believe him. Why not? He’s engaged to someone he met 8 months ago and they have had a long-distance relationship the entire time. He’s moving too fast and hiding who he is. Once she lives under the same roof with him for a while, then I’ll know.)
Anyhow, you really don’t need anyone tearing you down right now. You need people around you who are supportive. People who comprehend the change you’ve made in your life. Sometimes the best people are those who didn’t know you "before", but have only known you "after".
I know how you feel, that you have to always be quiet and apologize for your breathing the same air as they. You’re doing well to get away from that. You need love, not bitterness and guilt.
Keep me in mind when you need someone with whom you can bounce ideas or make sure you’re not "over-reacting", as it is so easy to do. I often have someone to talk to for that, since I’m in "regular" therapy now. It isn’t helping me as much as the DBT, but I have a three-year-old and she only goes to half-day kindergarten. Plus I can’t drive in the dark, and the classes are in the evening so working adults can attend. But I’m surviving. Sometimes it helps just to let off steam. I’m good for that. It’s easier for me to handle someone elses steam than my own. 
No matter what you decide to do, remember this: you are your own person. You have value and you have an inner strength that no one can take away from you. You decide what you do. You decide what you feel. Whether to let something go or not. Good luck!
EDIT:made a couple small changes. My husband came home while I was "correcting" my work here, so I missed a couple things. Hope you start feeling better about the choices you’ve had to make.
October 4th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
We are born into families, that doesn’t mean you have to stay with them. People who don’t let you forget the past don’t deserve to be called family. You can go on to have a happy family of people who love you for who you are now. Don’t give it another thought , go on to make a happy life for yourself. You deserve to be happy.
References :
October 4th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
i feel for u
im in a simalar situation if u find out let me know
References :
October 4th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
It is wrong for your family to do that. It is not all you. They are making it so much worse for you by doing this.
It is better to have disconnected . If they are going to make it worse for you then forget them. You are your own person. you are an adult now, so you can choose to live your life the way you want to.
Immigrate to the UK if this is what you feel like will help you lead a happier life. Let nothing in your way stop you from being who you are and what you can become.
Do not let anyone manipulate you and stay strong.
References :
October 4th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I have BPD, too. I was also abused. I’ve let loose screaming at loved ones and being utterly incomprehensible. But that isn’t me anymore. I got help when I thought about suicide. My life was so Hellish that I’d wish for a semi to hit me head on on the way to work..or vice versa. I finally got put on disability about 18 months after I got out of the hospital, where I was an inpatient for about 2 weeks and outpatient for about 8 days. I joined a class of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and am on medications. The DBT classes are over and I’m still on medications. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Clinical Depression, Anxiety… it’s a long list of labels that basically makes it hard for me to behave "normally". Thankfully I never lost it around my family (except once, when visiting my grandmother in the hospital). So, it hasn’t affected my family too much. Besides the fact that we all are tainted by the abuse my dad dished out. He was ill, also, but never got treatment (well, he says he got treatment, but I don’t believe him. Why not? He’s engaged to someone he met 8 months ago and they have had a long-distance relationship the entire time. He’s moving too fast and hiding who he is. Once she lives under the same roof with him for a while, then I’ll know.)
Anyhow, you really don’t need anyone tearing you down right now. You need people around you who are supportive. People who comprehend the change you’ve made in your life. Sometimes the best people are those who didn’t know you "before", but have only known you "after".
I know how you feel, that you have to always be quiet and apologize for your breathing the same air as they. You’re doing well to get away from that. You need love, not bitterness and guilt.
Keep me in mind when you need someone with whom you can bounce ideas or make sure you’re not "over-reacting", as it is so easy to do. I often have someone to talk to for that, since I’m in "regular" therapy now. It isn’t helping me as much as the DBT, but I have a three-year-old and she only goes to half-day kindergarten. Plus I can’t drive in the dark, and the classes are in the evening so working adults can attend. But I’m surviving. Sometimes it helps just to let off steam. I’m good for that. It’s easier for me to handle someone elses steam than my own.
No matter what you decide to do, remember this: you are your own person. You have value and you have an inner strength that no one can take away from you. You decide what you do. You decide what you feel. Whether to let something go or not. Good luck!
EDIT:made a couple small changes. My husband came home while I was "correcting" my work here, so I missed a couple things. Hope you start feeling better about the choices you’ve had to make.
References :
Try reading Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No to take Control of Your Life. I have linked you to an ad about it. You can get it at about any online bookstore.
http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/boundariesbook.html