A friend who has been in foster care for 11 years has severe problems with anger. In desperation, she found that cutting helps her with her anger. I tried to get her to seek professional help but she is unwilling. She is, however, willing to completely open up to me. She has repressed memories and violent flashbacks of the abuse. I am aware that cutting is not a result of the anger but is an attempt to control it. I believe that I need to work at the cause of the abuse rather than the effect of the cutting to permanently end the cutting.
The two other people who she told about her cutting got angry with her when she told them. I decided to take the somewhat supportive approach and tell her that I didn’t like that she was doing it and that I am always available to talk (any time day/night).
Some further back story and possibly relevant information:
She was non-sexually abused.
I am starting to become romantically involved with her.
Her chronological age is 17.9.
She is not being abused in her foster home and has been in a steady living environment for all 11 years in foster care (shes been in the same home).
Thank you for your time.
I am looking for some tips and online resources to learn how to help her. Given the proper resources I believe I can help her. I have a 147 IQ, a two year college degree, and I am only 17 (I turn 18 in 2 days). Note: My degree is an AA in business and haven’t takes any Psych courses.
Self-mutilation is usually an attempt of someone asking for help. Ive been there the only thing YOU can do is care for her and talk her through her anger before it comes down to that. Tell her that it’s not always going to be shallow wounds and that one day it’s going to be a lot deeper then she meant. I’ve been there but here are some sites:
here’s for you: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
http://wso.williams.edu/~atimofey/self_mutilation/Treatment/index.html
here’s some for her:
http://www.selfharm.net
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
here is an amazing and inspiring true story of someone who overcame it: http://www.twloha.com/page.php?id=6
Good luck and I hope she get’s help.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:52 am
First of all, Its really nice that your close to her. Is she lonely? If so, you 2 getting involved might allow her to concentrate on other things and may prevent her from cutting herslef. Have you thought of suggesting that she squeeze some ice when she gets angry. I have cut myself in the past and I found the ice thing to help dramatically; alothough, it doesn’t help everyone! Maybe start going kick boxing together to vent some anger! Just do things together and stick by her. which I have no doubt you will do!
YOu dont need to have taken any courses for understanding people you care about. If you feel for her that much you’ll know how to make her happy.
Try and persuade her to talk to someone professional. If it make her feel better, go with her.
I wich every bit of look in the world.
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September 25th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
sounds like she’s pretty messed up, and you can hardly blame her.
This isn’t your problem to be burdened with though, you need to do what you think is right. Sounds like she needs professional help, and if she’s unwilling, maybe YOU should go to a councilor and ask them how to deal with it.
It may be helping her just to talk about it with someone else, and get it off her chest. Maybe you should tell her foster parents about it. She’s harming herself, and no good comes from it at all.
If you tell them, it’s almost guaranteed she’s going hate you at first. She wil feel betrayed, angry and alone, but once she gets the right help, she will probably forgive you.
If you tell, and she gets mad with you, just stand there and take it, and wait for her to finish, you getting angry will just fuel the fire. oh and keep all knives away from her, if she’s feeling hysterical, she will act hysterical too.
Before you do tell anyone, talk to her a bit more, convince her that she has a bright future ahead of her and she should make the best of her life as you only get one.
good luck
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September 25th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
get her to go to church with you or something
pray for her
get her to unload her pain to God. God loves it when you come to him for help
try comforting her
…ok i am completely blank right now. that’s all i got
good luck and may God bless your friend
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September 25th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Self-mutilation is usually an attempt of someone asking for help. Ive been there the only thing YOU can do is care for her and talk her through her anger before it comes down to that. Tell her that it’s not always going to be shallow wounds and that one day it’s going to be a lot deeper then she meant. I’ve been there but here are some sites:
here’s for you: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
http://wso.williams.edu/~atimofey/self_mutilation/Treatment/index.html
here’s some for her:
http://www.selfharm.net
http://www.twloha.com/page.php?id=6
Good luck and I hope she get’s help.
References :
September 25th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I used too cut, for attention, too feel wanted. Even with my surroundings, im with some of my family, my mother and sister, but being in this enviroment changes nothing… looking at them brings back bad memories as well as being alone, if they are close too you and you too them, then stay with them.. My fiance is the only person who keeps me from cutting now, i look forward too being with him and when i talk too him those bad depressive feelings and thoughts stay at bay.
She NEEDS someone too be there for her, AKA you! You are someone she can turn too who hasnt abandoned her or kicked her in the ass about her cutting.
Make sure the cutting doesnt get too bad.. maybe tell her you truly care about her and hate too see her hurt, unless you already have..my fiance said that when i cut once and i vowed never too cut again.
Just do and say what you think is right, we can only give you a guideline, we don’t know this girl..but you do, treat her right.
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September 25th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
When I was younger I used to cut myself to, and I cut myself because doing that took the pain away in my head (in a way it made me feel better) I have stopped cutting myself it did take a long time to get me out of the habit of cutting myself every time i got upset and I did have my downfalls now and then.I think you being there anytime she needs you is really good. My parents used to threaten me that they were going to take me to the hospital and that really made things worse for me I just continued cutting myself but in places they wouldn’t be able to see so don’t tell her anything like that. If she could find a different way in expressing her pain I think it will help out a lot like doing kickboxing,counting to 10,or even writing poems and knowing she’ll always have someone to lean on will help a lot. I give you a lot of credit in staying by her side and helping her though this.If none of this helps her she might need to get professional help (with me I was cutting myself while in the care of a professional i went to every week) and then again it’s up to her if she wants to get the help and help herself to. Don’t threaten her with anything though that won’t help might even make it worse.I wish you and your friend the best of luck! And Happy Birthday
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