Anger Problems ?

Remember when the governor of New Jersey announced he was gay?  I sure do. I remember smiling ruefully to myself when I  heard people talking about the scandal and  asking, “How could his wife not know? Can you imagine being married to someone and not knowing he’s gay?” Yep, I can because it happened to me. I don’t mind telling people about this because I somehow feel it gives me a free pass for a failed marriage. There was no “we just grew apart” or ”we wanted different things” excuses. Nope. I married a gay guy. Not my fault. Except when you consider that I was, how should I say this?, STUPID enough to marry a gay guy in the first place. By way of explanation, let me just say this. My ex, whom I will refer to as Jared, was more the Rock Hudson type of gay rather than the Liberace sort. It wasn’t like he was into decorating or Broadway show tunes. He did like ballet, though, maybe that should have been a  clue. These days when he comes over to the house to pick up the girls wearing Bermuda shorts and socks and sandals, I look at him and say to myself, “You are sooo gay. How did I miss that?” Back when he was still in the closet he played the part of the straight, ex-highschool football hero pretty convincingly and I and everyone else was fooled.  And to answer the most often unasked question, yes, we did have sex.  No problems there, so you can see, I really had no  idea.

Jared and I met in 1987 at a Christmas party my roommate and I were throwing at our apartment.  He was her guest. They worked together. He seemed like a nice, genuine guy who wore T-shirts and jeans and watched sports. At the time I had been having a lot of short-term romances with playboy types who strung me along with promises of trips to Jamaica and then dumped me with no notice. My current beau fit the profile, but hadn’t arrived yet, so Jared and I struck up a conversation about just exactly how did the guy who played Latke on Taxi die, (we learned we were both obscure trivia buffs) when my date showed up and whisked me away. Two weeks later the lothario stopped calling and I swore off dating forever. I was 26 and decided that marriage and children were just not going to happen for me. Little did I know. I concentrated on my career as a rising fashion industry star and embraced 80’s VCR technology.

Sometime around spring I decided it was time to venture out into the dating world again. I informed my roommate, who responded excitedly that Jared was still available, had just gotten his own apartment and really liked me. I was making chocolate chip cookies at the time and gave her some to give to him at work. A few days later he called and we went out on date. I liked him a lot, thought he was really nice, but did not get those nervous butterflies in my stomach, which I reasoned at the time was a good thing. It was the butterflies that had gotten me into so much  trouble in the past. I didn’t feel that instant chemistry, but decided to wait it out until I did because I knew Jared was a nice, decent guy. A mensch, not a chump and all my friends liked him. After a month of dating I really fell for him and thought, “This is what love is supposed to feel like — calm. Not insecure or nerve wracking.” After 9 months of dating, we got engaged (at the ballet)  and 9 months after that we were married. The first two years we lived the  ’80’s yuppie, pre-kids lifestyle. We indulged our hobbies of dining out, browsing bookstores and going to movies.

In November of  ’92 Jared got recruited by a high tech company in California and we were moved from the East coast to the West to start a new life. At the same time I got pregnant with Sophia. There were a lot of changes in our lives and the accompanying stress that goes with them. Jared became a work-a-holic  which was kind of typical of the high tech boom in the early ’90’s. Something wasn’t right in my marriage, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I shrugged it off to the hectic life with small children. When Eva was born in ‘96 I quit my job to stay home, which only made Jared spend more time at work. Because I was now with the kids full time, I looked to him more to give me breaks with the girls. Instead, he worked 6 days a week and slept ’til noon on Sundays. We never did anything as a family. Forget vacations. I would have settled for help with the laundry. With our family all on the East Coast I spent a lot of time alone. I look back on those years and I don’t know how I survived. As a kid my dad was never an active participant in our family and I regretted that. I began to see the affects Jared’s absence had on the girls and it made me very sad. One year on Jared’s birthday, Sophia sat on the front porch with his gift on her lap and he never came home.

Why did I put up with this for so long? I was afraid of the alternative. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I looked on the bright side. I enjoyed my children and was grateful that I could afford to stay home and spend so much time with them. I looked for diversions and decided I needed a bigger house with a large yard so we could have a dog. We bought a minivan. I don’t know why Jared agreed to it because he told me later the trappings of a middle class lifestyle put him over the edge. A bigger house, a bigger mortgage. He was screaming inside. He felt imprisoned in a marriage he should never have been in and  became more and more distraught and desperate. He coped by working, his only escape. 

Shortly after our move to the new house, Jared and I were barely speaking. He left for work before the girls got up for school and came home after they were in bed. He refused the warmed dinners I saved for him saying he had already eaten at the office. I knew something was seriously wrong with him and kept prodding him for explanations and answers. He would push me away and tell me I was imagining things and to leave him alone. Around the same time Sophia was diagnosed with a learning disability and needed a lot of my attention. I was exhausted all the time and did not know what to do about my marriage so I did nothing. I think I went months without even looking in Jared’s direction, until one day I saw him get out of the shower and was shocked to see that he was dangerously thin. Jared was always a slender guy with a small build. Six feet tall he usually weighed around 155 lbs. I could see the bones sticking out of his ribcage. I exclaimed, “Oh my God, you are so thin! What is wrong with you?” and demanded he get on the scale and he did. He weighed 128 lbs. He admitted to me that he thought he was anorectic, but he wouldn’t explain why. I told him he needed to get counseling and he agreed and even ate some breakfast. I was encouraged by his admission, yet very troubled. After he left for work I got on the Internet to research anorexia in men and found an article that offered two explanations. The first one I immediately discounted and scoffed at. Anorexia in men is caused by the suppression of latent homosexual tendencies. Ridiculous. My husband is not gay. I read on. The second reason seemed more likely. Repressed memories and hostilities as a result of an authoritarian father. That had to be it. Of course, growing up in the sixties, who didn’t have an authoritarian father? Armed with my new knowledge, I decided to approach Jared that evening. Instead we had a big fight about something and he went to bed. I stayed up stewing and watching stupid TV shows. Something told me I had to confront him. I had to know. I went into the bedroom, sat on his  side of the bed and woke him up. I told him, “Jared, I am your wife. You have to tell me what is bothering you. I don’t care what it is. This is eating us both up. Tell me. I have to know.” At first he said nothing. Tears started to stream down his face and his body was shuddering and rocking slightly. Softly, he started repeating these words over and over again. “I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy.” It was at that moment that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered what I read on the Internet. He’s gay. So I asked him, “Jared, are you gay?” (He told me later he could not believe I had guessed.) As if the words were coming from the bowels of his being, for the first time in his life he admitted to someone, me, his wife,  that he was gay. It was as if he were speaking in slow motion and under water. “Would you hate me if I told you that  I think I am bisexual?” I was so relieved to finally know that I wept too. “No, I don’t hate you, I love you.” I assured him. I promised to help him and to stick by him. I knew that night my marriage was over, but I could not admit it to myself. The girls were little, I hadn’t worked in years and he was a basket case. I threw myself into my plan to get him well. I started the next day stuffing him with high calorie smoothies and calling around for referrals for therapists. Jared told me later that if I had not come in force the truth out of him he would most likely have killed himself the next day. That was his plan. I know now that he was having a nervous breakdown.

For the next two years we clung to the hope that somehow we could make our marriage work. Jared considered himself bi-sexual, and by marrying me he was simply making a choice. During the first two years of our marriage he was fine with his decision. It was when I got pregnant with Sophia that he started to feel confined and panicked. Once everything was out in the open and we both sought counseling, we explored all of the thoughts, issues, conflicts and struggles he was feeling. I read books, searched the Internet and consulted experts in the field. One of the most significant things I learned, and probably the greatest source of confusion and controversy regarding human sexuality, is that some people, not all, but some,  have varying levels of homosexuality and/or heterosexuality in their makeup. While some people, like myself, have no doubts about their sexual orientation. I have always known that I am straight. Likewise, there are gay people who have similar certainties  of  their homosexual orientation. However, there are those, like Jared, who are not so sure and are unfortunately  therefore so conflicted. This uncertainty coupled with the social construct opposing homosexuality is what closets so many people. 

After two years of feeling like I was walking on eggshells, always watching Jared to make sure he was OK, of meeting his needs and not my own, I decided I needed more. I needed to be either with a man who wanted to be with me or to be alone. It was a difficult decision and one that was long overdue. The tipping point  came at one of our final visits to see our marriage counselor. The counselor suggested that we settle on some kind of “arrangement” , in which we would agree to time apart and I would simply look the other way while Jared went off on some gay Club Med trip. This apparently works for some people. Not for me. With tears streaming down my face I made a vow to myself that I deserved better and I would find it.

After twelve years of marriage, two children and a relocation across the country, Jared and I ended  our marriage, but not our family. I was determined to keep my dignity and composure and to have a positive divorce. We told the kids in February of 2002. It was Black history month and the girls were learning about segregation in school. I used that backdrop to make the comparison of discrimination against gay people. I explained to the girls that Daddy was gay. Because we live in a very liberal community where there are lots of gay couples, the girls knew that some people of the same sex are happier being together. However, not everyone is accepting of gay people which is why their father kept his feelings a secret for so long.  I told them that because we love Daddy we want him to be happy and we have to let him find what is going to make him happy. At first they were worried they would not get to see their father very often. They both have friends whose parents were divorced and the dads had moved out of the area. I assured them they could see their father whenever they wanted to and they do. Although the children live primarily with me they see their father every day when he takes them to school. 

 About six months after Jared moved out, he met Keith, his life partner to whom he is now married. Shortly after, it was Jared’s birthday. I suggested to Jared that he invite Keith to our house for dinner. I did this for the girls to show an act of solidarity and to give my approval. I wanted the girls to know that is was OK to welcome Keith into their lives. I never wanted them to feel like they had to choose sides or feel guilty about liking him. I also didn’t want them to worry about me.

The morning of his birthday, Jared met the girls and me at our country club to go swimming. As I watched Jared rough house with the girls in the pool, tossing them in the air and playing Marco Polo, I realized I had never seen him so happy. During our marriage, when I could get him to come with us to the pool, he often sat on the sidelines reading a book, retreating into himself. When I saw how delighted the girls were with his attention, I knew that I made the right decision. I sacrificed my marriage, so that my children could have a father.

Later, Keith arrived at the house with gifts in hand for me and the girls. While I got dinner started, Keith and Jared played hopscotch and jumprope  outside with the girls. Later, Jared wrote me a lovely thank you email telling me how much he appreciated my generosity and that it was the best birthday he ever had.

Was I always so amicable and giving? No. There were several times I felt such incredible anger and resentment toward Jared that I could have clocked him. I spend many mornings sobbing in the shower. Jared, because of his guilt I guess, put up with a lot of my tirades and sarcastic barbs until one day he asked me point blank, “How long are you going to punish me? I’ll give you twenty years and then after that the statute of limitations runs out and you have to forgive me.” He was sounded like he was joking, but I knew he was serious. I realized at that moment that I was only hurting myself and if the girls sensed my feelings, they would suffer too.  I decided from that point on to take stock in my life and acknowledge what was  good. I had two wonderful daughters, a beautiful home (which I got to keep in the divorce settlement), I lived in a beautiful place and I had the talent, intelligence and perseverance to start over.

Why did Jared  marry me you wonder? I asked him the same question. His answer, besides the fact that he loved me, was that he wanted a family and a conventional lifestyle. When we separated he did right by me and the kids. He gave me the house, paid very generous child and spousal support so I could continue to stay home with  the girls while I figured  out what I wanted to do since I hadn’t worked in a while.   At the time of our divorce, an acquaintance of mine from my kids’ school was also getting a divorce. Her husband left her for another woman and moved to Brazil, but only after he drained their bank accounts. Since he was self-employed he was able to hide his assets and income. She, like me, had been a stay-at-home mom with three kids. Her car was repossessed and her landlord evicted her for non-payment of rent. She was forced to go on public assistance. Now I ask you, which man, my ex-husband or hers, had better family values?

Although I have no regrets about marrying Jared, I know that if he had felt the freedom to live as an openly gay person, who had the rights to marry and have children, we would never have gotten married. This brings me to the topic of same sex marriage and the general acceptance of homosexuality. We, as compassionate and reasonable people have to dispel this notion that it is wrong to be gay, that homosexuality is a disease that has to be cured or prevented. It is not. Nor is it a choice. It just is. Accept it. By doing so you would save others from experiencing the pain and unhappiness we have had to endure as the result of society’s discrimination against homosexuality.

To read more about my life as a newly remarried mom with two kids and three step kids, check out my blended family blog at: www.shwanda.com

Carol Shwanda
http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/my-gay-exhusband-723798.html

why for this?

and would you say that "Resentment" IS caused by negative experiences in the past and "repressed anger"?? which kinds of things usually ? and is same for SOME more than others?

and how repressed anger affects people if they never channel their anger properly? and how is this done supposedly done? and is there a psychological term for this?

how painful for them ? and how most become when "Rechanneling" repressed anger? and which other emotions are often included with this and why? which kinds of conditions are necessary sometimes or often times to have someone with a lot of repressed nervous emotions?

and how long they do this and how they are afterwards?

please explain and describe what you can.

btw, which area of the world are you and how this process is called there and how old is this idea?

thanks for your answers!

Here in the U.S. most psychological experts subscribe to the theory that mental illness is caused by faulty neurotransmitters in the brain. Our medications are designed to help correct these neurotransmitters. Science is coming around to the nfact that mental illness just like physcial illness is based in the biological, i.e. genetics (predispositions for illness and faulty neurotransmitters).

Dramatic instance of dealing with anger.

Duration : 1 min 39 sec

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Many women in urban areas have been liberated sexually, but the more they are getting comfortable with their own sexuality, the more their marriages are suffering in the area of sexual relating. Repressed urges and coy responses in women are being replaced by total acceptance of one’s sexual feelings and open and bold expression of the same. One would have thought that men, who, for the longest period of time, complained about not having an exciting enough sex life at home and therefore sought it outside, would have been thrilled with the wife being a bold and active sexual partner, but unfortunately that is not always the case.

Normal heterosexual men are getting increasingly uncomfortable with the sexually liberated woman. Many so-called metrosexual men, who talk of equality of men and women, and say that they welcome the active participation of women in sexual relating, make the statement conditionally. What they mean is that they enjoy the active participation of the woman as long as it does not make them(the men) move out of their comfort zones. Which means that when the woman experiences an urge and initiates sex, if the man is not feeling like it of his own accord, he wants the liberty and comfort of turning down the advances if he so chooses, without being questioned or cajoled into responding. The bottom line is, that he wants the remote control in his hand at all times, and if he does not have it, there can be problems in the marriage!

MR NICE GUY NEEDS COMFORT

This happens because of the upbringing and conditioning of such men because of which they have two contradictory needs – the need to be seen as Mr Nice Guy and the need to remain a spoilt brat at all times in their comfort zones. The ‘Mr Nice Guy’ says men and women have equal urges and equal rights to express the same, as his belief is that he ‘must be viewed as a good guy’. The ‘spoilt brat’ says that sex should happen when he feels like it and the way he feels like it, as his belief is that he ‘must be made comfortable at all times’.

Such men come across as ‘considerate lovers’ whenever they initiate sex, but if they decide that they do not feel like having sex with their partner for whatever reason, they can be the most ‘insensitive partners’, turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to the sexual urges of the partner, while they continue to be ‘caring men’ in terms of being supportive and helpful in other areas of life which helps them retain the title of ‘Mr Nice Guy.’ The ‘blow hot blow cold’ attitude of such men, can leave sexually liberated women not only unfulfilled, but also confused, concerned, hurt and angry. An angry woman would be intimidating; i.e. demand, confront, accuse, put down and threaten the man.

MEN NEED GROWING UP

Businessman Mark Taylor and Stacy, an interior designer had a love marriage and were sexually active pre-maritally. Extremely passionate, he would initiate and plan all the intimate encounters and expected Stacy to participate actively, though she was not relaxed with pre-marital sex. After marriage, Stacy dropped her inhibitions due to the social sanction in marriage and started initiating sex.

She was surprised to note Mark’s lack of response on several occasions, and felt confused and hurt. On enquiry, he would say that he could physically respond only when he was in the mood and that he could not ‘will’ an erection. She resigned to this but later realised that he was simply unwilling to open himself up if he was not the initiator, only because of his need for comfort. He was his ‘Mama’s favoured boy’ and happy in his comfort zones, but Stacy was unhappy and therefore sought counselling for them. Over a period of time, with counselling, he matured from ‘Mama’s favoured boy’ to ‘Stacy’s adult partner’.

There are several reasons why a sexual relationship might not be fulfilling for the woman besides the normal heterosexual man’s ‘blow hot blow cold attitude’. The man may be hesitant and anxiety-prone due to performance anxiety or anxiety about whether he will be able to meet the woman’s sexual appetite, he might fear hurting her especially if she has come across as a ‘delicate darling’ in previous intimate moments and accused him of hurting her, he might have an actual physical problem; i.e. erectile dysfunction, he might be withholding sex from her to punish her for some other transgression in the relationship, he might be depressed or severely stressed in work, financial or other areas of his life, etc.

INTIMIDATION IS SELF-DEFEATING

While the sexual relationship might not be fulfilling for the woman, the future health of the relationship in sexual areas and otherwise, depends a lot on the way the woman approaches the issue of sex with her partner.

Janet Griggs and husband Paul had a tumultuous relationship with loud fights and accusations hurled both ways. Janet would be extremely intimidating in her demeanour and put Paul down if there was no intimacy for a while due to some work stress or financial pressure in his life saying, ‘What are you doing about sex? Are you a man or what?’ Her intimidating style in this sensitive area of a man-woman relationship, put him off completely after some time, and he turned it around in vengeance and put her down by commenting that her body was unattractive and her personality was a put-off.

This created feelings of rejection in her, and things spiraled out of control for them. They finally legally divorced with him initiating the separation.

A man often reacts to an angry and intimidating demeanour by either ignoring the woman and remaining aloof, anxiously making excuses for his unresponsiveness in fatigue/stress, etc. accusing her of being a nymphomaniac or unlady-like, putting her down in other areas of the relationship and calling her a ‘put off’, commenting on her body parts which he finds unattractive, switching off sex completely, etc. Therefore, it goes without saying that anger and intimidation on the part of the woman is only self-defeating for her. In such cases, she needs to be asked to assume responsibility for the same, and to take action to change her demeanour from intimidation to one of nurturing the relationship.

DISTORTED THINKING – BAGGAGE OF THE PAST

Men respond to questions and expression of hurt feelings by women depending on their own inferences and perceptions of the expression, and their own anxiety-proneness, which is their own ‘baggage from the past’, and a result of the environment they have grown in. If a man has been raised in a family where expression of hurt feelings, tears, sharing of concerns or questions are viewed as accusations or confrontation, or if assertion is viewed as aggression, then he might view the normal sharing of his partner as an act of intimidation, and react as he would to an actually intimidating woman.

In such cases, the man needs to be counselled about his distorted thinking and inferences and made aware of the origins of the same in his family upbringing, conditioning and environment. If the man is willing to consciously give up his inferences by being more mindful and aware about the same, a healthy communication between the couple can be established to address the issue of sexual relating.

LOSE-LOSE WITH ‘DELICATE DARLING’

Shelly Walker and Andy met through a matrimonial website, dated for a few months and tied the knot. Shelly accused him of hurting her when he attempted intimacy during the honeymoon, coming across like a complaining ‘baby’, and Andy withdrew completely. He did not touch her for six months, and then she complained that there was no physical intimacy in their marriage. He felt accused one way or the other. After an angry outburst and blaming on the part of both, they fortunately decided to consult a sex counsellor. After a sex education session and clearing of all myths and misconceptions, they finally consummated their marriage. A woman might intimidate a man by accusing him of hurting her during intimacy.

This could either be because of her own apprehensions about sex, or her need to be pampered during intimacy. If the man hesitates for fear of causing her pain, or is not aroused due to her passivity, and if she blames him for the lack of physical intimacy in their lives, he might find himself in a lose-lose situation. Early sex counselling for the couple, addressing the myths and apprehensions of the woman, and emphasising the importance of active participation on the part of both, is the preventive and curative measure for such cases.

THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF ANXIETY

Maria and Michael Harrison had a love marriage, were successful in their own careers and financially well settled, but had a far from satisfactory sexual life. The reason was Maria’s histrionic personality coupled with Michael’s anxious personality. This became evident when, during counselling, Maria pointed at Michael in an accusatory way saying, “I have come here so that you can teach him how to satisfy a woman. There is something wrong with this man. He needs to be fixed.” Michael look shame-faced and apologetic and said, “Actually I’m trying to understand what she likes…” and Maria cut in, “Trying is all you know. When will you do something for a change?

This is your last chance. Pull up your socks or I’m out of your life.” Michael said with anxiety in his voice, “Doctor, I’m willing to do whatever you say to make things better for us. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” If a man is anxiety-prone about his sexual performance and the woman comes across as intimidating to him, whether actual or perceived, it simply makes him more anxious. Intimidating the man is self-defeating for the woman. In cases where the man is extremely anxious, even a normal enquiry by the woman might provoke anxiety. Therefore, the woman needs to be warm, patient, nurturing, and facilitating relaxation in the partner, in order to get him off the anxiety mode.

THE LIBERATED COUPLE

If a man has an actual organic problem and is unable to perform due to physical reasons, and if the woman is intimidating, then he views his life partner as insensitive and lacking in empathy. This can sadden him, make him depressed and bring about irreversible cracks in the relationship if she continues to put him down, threaten to have a relationship outside marriage or abandon him. When there is an organic problem, the woman needs to demonstrate great sensitivity and be a support while medical intervention is sought for the same, in the meanwhile focusing on other fulfilling areas of their life together.

When the man is simply going through one of the natural lows and has a temporary erection problem due to ill health, depression, or a major stressor in his life, and if he is neither anxious about his performance nor has any real problem, and if the woman is intimidating, the passing phase can become a permanent one.

Therefore, the woman needs to be his life partner in the truest sense of the word, sharing companionship with him, being supportive of him while he works through his stressors, and encourage him in every way she can.

In conclusion, while the sexual liberation of woman is definitely something to be celebrated and freely expressed, true liberation for both man and woman can only come from being free and liberated from the need to intimidate or be in control of the relationship, so that both can relate in mutual ‘compassion’, which includes ‘companionship’ and ‘passion’.

Michael Douglas
http://www.articlesbase.com/sexuality-articles/when-your-sexuality-intimidates-your-man-108477.html