What is making us explode either silently or obviously?

Suppressing Anger

Many people don’t like to admit they’re angry. They don’t like confrontation and don’t know how to cope. They shy away from the anger because they don’t know how to receive it or how to handle it. The easiest way is to bury their feelings and to get past the anger situation as quickly as they can – without confrontation – without accepting the fact that something is wrong. There is a root to the anger and that root is planted somewhere….

Some people are perfectionists who never want to appear rattled so they maintain a veneer of existing above problems associated with anger. They put on a good front and pretend to feel no tension at all. They would be surprised if anyone suggested they were angry and challenged – they deny it. Is that you?

When you see someone in such a rage that they "lose it" how do you feel?

What to do when you feel angry..

Some people are afraid that they will be rejected if they express how they really feel. IF they have a different opinion to someone else they fear retaliation even if they demonstrate uniqueness. They are convinced that their outward expressions will come to no good and end up saying "what’s the use?" internally (mentally). The suppression of their anger gives a feeling of personal defeat.

Confide in a friend how you feel. Confront your feelings. Scary, yes, but healthier in the long run and this will keep you on the right track. Write down how you feel on a piece of paper.

If you are having real difficulties and this is affecting your health you should consider seeing your doctor.

Open Aggression – the easiest to recognize.

It is blatant and includes physical, threatening, bullying, emotional blackmail, accusing, verbal shouting etc. It includes explosiveness, rage, intimidation and blame. It can also include bickering, criticism, griping and sarcasm. Open aggression comes from such a strong focus on personal needs that there is a powerful insensitivity to the needs of others.

Much anger is related to trivial imperfections that simply won’t go away. Problems will be part of our world. We are all different and this will be in every relationship – this can be frustrating to us all at times.

This may be an option for expressing anger but not a good one. You will have recurring power plays in your relationships until you learn how to manage your anger.

Passive aggression – stuffing it down inside

Some people don’t want to succumb to the temptation to be rageful – they recognize open aggression is disrespectful and refuse to explode loudly or get caught in games of verbal abuse.

Does this apply to you?

When I am frustrated I become silent, knowing it bothers other people

I am prone to sulk and pout

When I don’t want to do a project I will procrastinate. I can be lazy

When someone asks if I am frustrated I will lie and say "No, everything is fine"

There are times when I am deliberately evasive so others won’t bother me.

Passive aggression is caused by a need to have control. You have a strong competitive spirit. You are out to win. Healthy relationships do not keep the score of right or wrong but the passive aggressive person wants to win. This can perpetuate unwanted tension and is unhealthy.

Assertive anger – a healthy approach

Assertive anger preserves the personal worth, needs and convictions of self while considering the needs and feelings of others. This form of anger can help relationships to grow. It shows someone has maturity and stability. True assertiveness is not harsh or abrasive. Assertive anger should be done in a manner that keeps the door open when confronting an issue.

I.e. A parent can state guidelines for discipline without being answered back. When swamped by more responsibilities that he or she can manage a person can request help from friends A tired mom can tell her family she will take a thirty-minute break with no interruptions.

Your goal should be to communicate your emotions in a constructive way. If you feel disrespected or ignored and do nothing to properly address your needs, eventually you will become sour and your contributions to relationships will be negative. This can also affect your health as the negative stress can, over a prolonged period of time, cause health difficulties. Assertiveness allows you to keep a clean slate with others.

Make sure the issues are not trivial.

Expend your emotional energy on subjects that matter.

It is trivial to argue about the little things like what socks someone wears, but it is legitimate to address annoying habits.

Be aware of your tone of voice ensuring you have respect for others – speak the truth in love.

Look at your relationships. What are some legitimate needs you may need to confront? (My brother ignores me when I ask him to help with some of the chores)

What will you do to ensure your behaviour is assertive rather than aggressive?

Dropping anger – a healthy option – "letting it go…"

There are times when it is just not appropriate to be assertive or you know it will not work ie at work you may not be able to control the circumstances or feel equipped to handle a situation. This means you may have to tolerate the differences or choose to forgive.

I.e. A son recognizes that his father has chosen not to love him. Rather than carry a grudge he decides to forgive his father while charting a new style of fathering his own children.

Rather than griping about company policy an employee decides that no job is perfect and he will do his best work in spite of the way the company works.

Look at yourself and ask these questions and journal your responses

Letting go of my anger is difficult because…

I realize life isn’t always fair, so I need to accept…

How do you deal with your anger?

For further information visit Pure Heart

- an authorized project of LAMPLIGHT at http://www.lamplight.org/

I do not box anymore because I don’t feel the need to. I don’t get as angry like I used to.

Also I take an antidepressant. You might check into your local mental health clinic for free help. Also with your doctor if you can.

Also there are some agencies and churches that provide free or low cost sliding fee counseling. That would help and if you end up needing medication, they can help you to get it free or at low cost.
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