Anger Problems ?

OK, I am looking over some things. Actually, I am worried terribly about my 13 year old. Soon to be 14 in a few months. She used to be the picture of perfection. Actually, yes, she was sweet, kind of shy, helpful but she did always have an issue with her 2 siblings. One older, the other younger. At first, I thought maybe it was a middle child issue so I went out of my way, and now some say too much, to make sure not to exclude her. I have always tried to make my time between the 3 as equal as I could. She wasn’t a very hands on baby really. She was very content to be fed, bathed, changed and left alone. Though she was truly smiling at 3 weeks and was such a wonderful baby. She didn’t want to be handled. She was quite content just laying on the couch beside me and was always smiling. Just so happy. The older she got, well, she just got really mischievous. Now, at 13 she is so hateful to everyone. Not sometimes. All the time. She thinks if you ask her to do a simple chose as to put her clothes up you are out to get her. She thinks everyone hates her when in fact, she lets us all know very plain, right now, that she hates her siblings and really, many other children as well. She doesn’t hurt anyone physically. Mentally though she can cut into you like a knife. It’s like you feel this hate and see it in her eyes. She seems to really be very self absorbed and seems to think she is beautiful which she is a very beautiful young lady. But I wonder if she really feels the opposite. I myself had the same issues as a teen. I see a lot of myself in her except the fact I could show love. She can’t or won’t or doesn’t. I just do not know. She is a master manipulator and people outside the family really would not believe it if they saw her at home. She hides it very well. I did also think to begin with it was hormonal but that has came and she’s been living with that for about a year now and has an everyday PMS. I feel so sorry for her but at the same time I can not let her treat my other 2 children as she does so I get onto her, and even in the nicest voice you could ever use you are screaming at her. She slams things, hates her life and will slam anyone in the way. But not all the time. She only in the last week got physical with her oldest sister. It has not been physical until then. I think out of fear of her own self being hurt she hasn’t got that brave yet. I know that it is coming though. I see it and I just know. She is very hateful to her Grandparents, cousins, siblings, her father, me and from what I hear, many kids at school. I am planning after this to write her teacher to ask if they have noticed anything. I’ve been told many kids fear her at school. I do not want anyone to fear my child! I myself fear her. Not that she’ll hurt me physically but that her words will cut into me as they do from the moment we get up til she does to bed. She hasn’t been stealing or any of the delinquent things. She does lie so much I do not know the truth if she ever told it. so when they have disagreements I have had them write letters and notes or even hang out together until they get along. I have told them to go to their room which is fine for her but I feel like many times it is not quite fair because the few times I have overheard and caught the act, she’s been the instigator. She has the best grades. She is a cheerleader. She hates it if her dad and i come to her games. Yet all the kids at school love us. My oldest is soon to be 17 and it’s always been like that. The kids at school love us but I feel like my own 13 year old hates me! The shyness that you speak of. Up until the last month maybe, if that long, she would demand and pitch a hateful fit if one of us, any of us would not call people for her about, let’s say her cheer leading and anything really. Now, she has a cell phone so she will text people and on slight occasions she will call but mostly she waits to be called. She used to have good days. Wonderful days where she was such a joy but now, it as though something has taken over her and she can not find the time to be nice. Not even for a moment. Only at night will she tell us sweet dreams and she loves us. She worries if one of us leaves (example-Dad) and she is demanding the other of us to call to hunt him down until we know he is OK and better yet, safe at home. I know that somewhere in there is the girl that she can be. I do not know what to do. I made the mistake because i didn’t know how to handle this, and asked her if maybe she were angry and needed to speak with someone other than myself because, well, she doesn’t make any conversation easy, and she went off saying I was saying she was crazy and we’d be better off without her. This is a child who wakes up every morning, puts her makeup on for the day and looks the beautiful part but her attitude is not beautiful. This starts every morning until bedtime. She is screaming at us, turn the TV down yet her radio is blasting, the TV in the den is blasting so
Sorry, part of it was cut off~~ More info and thanks to everyone for being so nice and helping me~~
so she can hear it but we should mute ours I suppose. I told her sometimes if she is angry, and she maybe wants to talk to someone other than family, it may help her get through whatever it is that is troubling her. All she got from that was she thinks I think she is crazy. I don’t. I think she is in misery over something. I do not know what. I do know I am emailing her teacher and the main thing with them is they are not very discrepant with the children so I am afraid it will cause another war in the house. Her doctor is really not one who quite understands or yet, I do not feel as though he’d be the right one to speak to her about her issues because he is always in such a hurry and not one with very good beside manner so I am looking into another doctor for them right now. I know by what I say, you don’t or can’t really tell me what you believe it is but maybe you could give me an
idea. I do not believe it’s a normal situation of just being spoiled because they all have been raises the same and they are not spoiled to get whatever they want. WE have limits and especially these days with the economy as it is. I used to believe it were maybe Hypoglycemia because that is something that runs rampant in my side of the family. My Great Grandmother had it but before they figured it out they actually gave her a Lobotomy. So, I am trying to figure out if this is psychological or what?? Well, that’s about it. Of course there’s more but I don’t even know if anyone will read this so I guess I am mainly writing for my own self. But if by chance anyone were to read this, any input would be great. Thank you.
That’s it I think. This is a very emotional thing for me and i cry nearly everyday. I thought she’s grow out of this but it seems she is growing more and more hostile everyday. Thanks again for anyone taking the time to read and help me. It means the world to me.

Your daughter is searching for strength. She feels most safe when her father is around. She has been left to her own accord and now she resents the fact that she has to find her own way. For some scared kids the best defense is a big offense. I know that it doesn’t seem that way but with her mad mask on she feels in control but in truth she is anything but. As you have stated she is in fact out of control and scared.

You are afraid of her and she thinks that is an advantage. You do not insist that she change because you lack the strength to uphold an ultimatum. This could be as simple as your husband not supporting the both of you in a transition of change. She may even be acting out to get her fathers attention.

Any time a child acts out it is a search for attention. She is not satisfied with the attention that she is getting. She does not know how to ask for help. Being held upon a pedestal is not what she is looking for. She does not know how to get along in the world and she would truly like to know what you have inside yourself. The problem is the family unit is a hierarchy and she doesn’t know how to be on top or she’s scared of leading because no one else is.

She has lost respect for not being told what to do. There is nothing wrong with you not being able to do this. You may need support and a family counselor may be the best way. You are not the only one that this happens to. You have two choices. One is you do things on your own or you seek support. Hang in there. Don’t take things personally. Keep a sense of humor. Remember that she is as scared as you are. Find ways to let her "save face".

What ever you say it is right because you are the mother. What I am saying here is you do not need to inject strong emotions when you speak your mind. Adding a tone of negativity to your word conveys weakness. When you say stop you do not need to scream or be sarcastic. In fact the calmer you are the more control you convey.

Rule are what make kids feel safe in the world. When you make a rule it must be law and you must enforce it and yes without tone in your voice. It is always nice to explain your rules but some are self explanatory and you are in charge so you really don’t owe any. Explanation is like a gift of respect but the child must deserve respect first. Good luck with your two choices. Power or Support (from father or family counselor.)

how do you teach your child to let out their anger?